I know I don't post as often anymore; I've just sort of gotten into other things. Not entirely sure why I'm posting anything now, to be honest, suppose I just felt I should...
Not much going on, really. I go to school. Get home, take a nap until dinner. Try to find something else to kill the time before bed.
I guess I just feel sort of...disconnected, you know? Like, I have friends, but everything just feels so...casual. Like if I just went into my room forever and stopped talking to anyone, people would barely notice, and within a week or two, they'd have somebody new and have forgotten all about me. Not that I could really blame anyone, because honestly, I sort of feel like I could move across the country tomorrow and not feel too sad about that.
But I guess I'm just sick of people in general, really...
I casually mentioned I'm non-binary in my French class; not making a big deal out of it, because honestly, I don't feel my gender to be such a big deal. I'm just...me.
But, long story short, I am now no longer speaking to the majority of the people at my table, and have migrated to a nearby desk. Alone.
And...it's always going to be like that, isn't it? People making a big deal out of things that aren't, just because they aren't something they're used to. I have had people speak slowly to me when they find out I'm autistic; and I've also had them tell me to 'think my way' to being normal, and both those things are wrong, wrong, wrong, but how do I tell people that?
I am queer and autistic and fat and I have never felt like I was a girl, not really, and I'm okay with that, I really am. But it just bother me so much that other people can't be. I mean, I would care less if it were just 'assholes'. But one of the people at my table in French was somebody I'd known for 5 years and considered a friend.
And I get that I'd run into those same problems anywhere, because, I don't know, maybe assholeishness is some primal aspect of human nature that some people feel less like fighting off than others, but running off still sounds nice. To, Oregon, maybe. Somewhere the sun isn't so bright, and I can hear the ocean.
Back when I had a best friend, we would talk about taking a gap year, where we'd do that; just run off together somewhere, just for a little while, just to see how freeing it could be. But, she's gone, and to be honest, she probably would have chickened out anyway...
And I suppose I still could, by myself, maybe, but I don't really know...
I'm actually a bit sick of being by myself, actually, but it seems like everyone I know is either somebody I don't want to be around or somebody who doesn't want to be around me.
Oh, whatever, really, don't even know where I was going with this stupid journal any more...think I'll just go to sleep until everything stops sucking so bad. See you in, like, 200 years lovelies.
Listening to: Wind.
Playing: Fuck you.
Drinking: Dr. Pepper.